Taking a little time travel…

I can’t believe I wrote my first blog in November 2011. Yes, 2011, it’s been almost three years. That’s just insane. I’ve spent a few hours today re-reading and reliving the emotions of my blogs. I came across a few that I immediately thought “What was I thinking?” and others brought tears to my eyes. I felt like I was writing them for the first time all over again. I even wrote two short stories: Amor {Love} Chapter I – Chapter IV ; Obsession Part I – Part V.  I’m very proud of myself for writing those stories, I hit some writers block along the way but I was able to over come the mental block and finish them. I even considered rewriting the ending of Obsession, due to harsh criticism but I’m happy I did not. Perhaps, the next stories will be better, you’ll have to wait and read.

I noticed there are gaps in between months as I scrolled down and then I realized that during the most important time of my life, I didn’t write my experiences and feelings during my pregnancy.  I remember going through so many emotions, up and down.  It was the most amazing and beautiful time of my life.  I’m getting teary eyed just thinking about it.  That’s my cue to stop…

Until next time…Ciao

 

 

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When to let go…

How do you walk away from someone you love whether it’s a friend, spouse, or lover? I honestly don’t know. It’s definitely not easy that’s for sure. God knows I’ve tried.  There is nothing worse than being hurt by the one person you never thought would hurt you.  There are no words to describe the pain and heartache I’ve experienced because of the actions of one person.  I felt lost and alone. It was horrible but that was then, now things are a little different. I’m just taking it one day at a time…

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All I know is that I will never allow anyone to make me feel that pain again. With every tear shed, I’ve gotten stronger and stronger.  Sometimes you just have to let go and love certain people from a distance.  It doesn’t mean that person is bad, it’s just that their story has to come to an end and they no longer serve any purpose in your life.  It’s not easy saying good-bye but sometimes you just have too. I learned the hard way and  I’m still learning lessons.

Perhaps we expect to much from the people we love.  Note to self: Expectations lead to disappointments!  

Until next time… Ciao

Sticky situation…

I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. What to do? What to do? You see, I read a letter today that instantly provoked a million thoughts. My dilemma now is that I can’t write about it because my friend said it was off-limits. Seriously? Why not!? It’s my opinion and thoughts anyways, right!?  Should I respect his feelings?  I am amused but at the same time really annoyed.

I knew the day I decided to start writing that I would encounter these sticky situations. I just never thought it would be so often. It’s not the first time I’ve been asked not to rant about something.  I shouldn’t be limited or limit myself to anything I write, right!? 

I like to write on my terms and not when people say it’s O.K.  I will respect my friend’s wishes this one time only because I promised myself that I wasn’t going to hold back anymore.  Enough is enough!

What are your thoughts?

Until next time.. Ciao

Me, myself, and I.

Today, I spent the day with me, myself, and I and it felt great.  What better company than the company of “oneself”.  It was a care free day with no worries, just me – lost in my thoughts as I drove and took in all the beautiful things around me.  It’s quite amazing what you can see when you just open your eyes…

me, myself

I will never understand why some people don’t like being alone with themselves from time to time. Why not? Have you ever taken a day just for yourself to take a walk on the beach, lay under a tree, or pick flowers? Anything!? Try it, you will love spending time with yourself.  What will you discover? Find out for yourself…

“In oneself lies the whole world and if you know how to look and learn, the door is there and the key is in your hand. Nobody on earth can give you either the key or the door to open, except yourself.”

&& what a fascinating world it is…take the time and you will discover what’s hidden deep inside.

Until later…

Peace & Love

Sad day.

My thoughts and prayers are with ALL in Boston today. Another senseless act of terror was committed and it’s heart breaking.  When will we be able to come together as one and be at peace? I fear for my niece, nephews, god child, and the children of my loved ones and friends.  They are growing up in a world full of anger and hate.  Why, why why!?  I fear of what’s to come if things don’t change.

I pray for a world full of love and laughter.

I pray for a world with no judgements.

I pray for a world with no hate.

I pray for a world where you are accepted regardless of color or race.

I pray for a world where we ALL can get along.

I shall not live in fear thinking about these senseless acts of terror nor should anyone else.  Live your life to the fullest.  Be kind to everyone you meet.  Be less judging and more accepting.  Don’t hate. Fill your heart with love. Forgive and forget. Life is too short.

It’s a sad day…

My prayers are with all in Boston.

Doubt

I’ve learned that when something is eating me up inside that I have to face the issue head on. It’s not always the easiest questions to ask but I rather ask then stay with doubt. Doubt ruins everything…wouldn’t you agree?

There is nothing more dreadful than the habit of doubt. Doubt separates people. It is a poison that disintegrates friendships and breaks up pleasant relations. It is a thorn that irritates and hurts; it is a sword that kills.

Today, I asked a dear friend some tough questions, I just needed to look into his eyes and get his reaction. It wasn’t easy, to be honest. I didn’t think about the consequences of knowing the truth. I didn’t care. I just needed to know even if that meant having my heart-broken. I rather be hurt by the truth than comforted by a lie because the truth hurts only once but a lie every time you remember it.

There is no room in my garden of orchids, for seeds of doubt.

Peace & Love xox

Heart broken…

It been months since I publish anything but every so often I get inspired to write a few words but then save it in my draft folder.  It gets locked away in the vault of feelings and emotions that were felt but never spilled.

On March 24th, 2013 at 4:53pm I wrote the following:

It’s been a tough day to say to the least. I feel like my heart shattered into a million pieces. As I sat there and listened to what he was saying, I could not believe my ears. With every word uttered, a piece of my heart broke off, by the end of the conversation I was left feeling empty. It’s sad when you hear things about your life from a third-party.  I know I shouldn’t believe everything I hear but the person who told me has nothing to gain by lying to me and I know the source.  It’s not the first time I hear those things, it just hurts more every time.

It breaks my heart just re-reading my words.  I guess you don’t need water to feel like you’re drowning.  Something to think about…

The difference

The difference between you and me.

When I have time.
You have plans.
When you have time.
I have plans but usually make the time.

It’s the little things that matter most.
Not the splendid gifts and lavish lunches.
It’s the moments that are unplanned.
The moments that I don’t have to ask for your time.

It’s those moments… if only you could see.

Motivation

I’m seriously lacking some motivation these days to keep my workouts going. I’ve been going to the gym on and off for several months, simply because it’s my me time and I’m sweating out my daily stress but lately I feel like I’m sabotaging myself.  I can’t understand why I’m not motivated.  I’m far from being at my goal weight and once I reach it, I know have to work even harder to strengthen and tone.

Sometime last week I was thinking to myself that I should consider getting a personal trainer.  The funny thing is that two days after, a trainer approached me at the gym and asked if he could train me for a bit.  I said, “yes”. Why not!?  Once he explained a few things, we started – I was mortified and embarrassed.  All I could do was look at myself in the mirror with disgust and think, “This guy is probably thinking, how disgusting, what a cow.”  All those thoughts were flooding my head but I didn’t stop, I pushed through as much as I could before I felt nausea – a sign of fatigue.  I rested for a bit and then continued then felt nausea again..well you know. I just wanted to close to my eyes and not look at myself but I didn’t and looked at every inch of me that was screaming to be toned. The trainer then stretched me out and gave me a massage which felt great considering the fact that I hate massages but I definitely needed it.  I could not believe how tense and tight my body was.  Afterwards, I felt like everything was aligned, it was a good feeling.  Now, I have to decide, appointment is set.

I don’t know how to explain what I’m feeling today.  I feel like a loser if that makes any sense.  I will not be discouraged and I will fight through whatever demons are in my head.  I need to, I want to, reach my goal – not for you, not for him, but for ME and only ME.  Why is it, that I can encourage and motivate others when needed but when it comes to me, I completely shut down?  I’m annoyed, frustrated, and disappointed in myself.

Note to self: You are beautiful just the way you are but you can improve and change what you don’t like. Keep moving forward and you will see the results you want. Never give up!!

What motivates you?

I have a friend who recently changed his life style for the better and I saw a picture of a man’s upper body, lean and fit and for a second I thought it was him. I sent my friend the picture and he called me and said, “Wow, I thought that was me, thank you, I’m so motivated now to get to my goal.” What!? Was he serious, he was now super excited to get to the gym and work on his chest.  It’s amazing what inspires others. My friend, I wish you nothing but success on your new goals.

Looking for those words of encouragement and motivation to keep me going.

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Note to self: “Nothing great is ever accomplished without a few obstacles.  Just keep going.” 

Peace & Love xo

Why so blue, Melissa!?

Every year for as long as I can remember I get this overwhelming feeling of sadness during my birthday. It’s hard to explain and much harder to put into words but I will try…   I don’t recall ever having a traumatic experience during these days that would cause any sadness it’s just something that happens.  I feel the most alone during this time of year.  It’s hard to believe that being married, surrounded by love and great friends I feel empty.  Perhaps it just me reflecting back on the last 12 months of my life.   Thinking about the what if’s, the why’s, the what don’ts…etc.  I’m simply lost in thought.

This year I thought it would be different. I was in Vegas, living it up and having a great time — why would I get sad, I asked myself.  Well, that day arrived (December 16th), I woke up fine but then that feeling of emptiness filled within me.  I was sad and what made it worse was not receiving that one special call I was waiting for.  My head went into overdrive.  I was hurt & angry – There was no excuse but I chose not let one person ruin my day.  I wiped the tears and put on a smile.  Sometimes the ones you love hurt you the most. Why!? Why!? Why!?

Today…

I still feel like my head is still on overdrive… over thinking, thinking, thinking & over thinking some more.  Today I was with a dear friend and he noticed something was wrong.  “Why so blue, Melissa?”, he asked.  That awkward moment when they ask you what’s wrong and you get a knot in your throat.  I was looking at him and screaming but the words were not flowing out of my mouth.  I felt like I was in a crowded room screaming and no one hears a thing. (Thanks Katy Perry)  All I could say was that I was O.K.  I was clearly lying.  I’m not o.k. but sometimes it’s ok not to be, right!? Does that make any sense?  Regardless of how I was feeling, my dear friend manages to make me smile and forget about it all and for that I am truly grateful.  blah blah blah

I’m just scared to death that things will change. (only one person will understand.)

Enough babble for today… I’m not so good at sharing my personal life. I hope you didn’t have to hit snooze while reading this.. HA!

Until next time… Peace & Love.