Every year for as long as I can remember I get this overwhelming feeling of sadness during my birthday. It’s hard to explain and much harder to put into words but I will try… I don’t recall ever having a traumatic experience during these days that would cause any sadness it’s just something that happens. I feel the most alone during this time of year. It’s hard to believe that being married, surrounded by love and great friends I feel empty. Perhaps it just me reflecting back on the last 12 months of my life. Thinking about the what if’s, the why’s, the what don’ts…etc. I’m simply lost in thought.
This year I thought it would be different. I was in Vegas, living it up and having a great time — why would I get sad, I asked myself. Well, that day arrived (December 16th), I woke up fine but then that feeling of emptiness filled within me. I was sad and what made it worse was not receiving that one special call I was waiting for. My head went into overdrive. I was hurt & angry – There was no excuse but I chose not let one person ruin my day. I wiped the tears and put on a smile. Sometimes the ones you love hurt you the most. Why!? Why!? Why!?
I still feel like my head is still on overdrive… over thinking, thinking, thinking & over thinking some more. Today I was with a dear friend and he noticed something was wrong. “Why so blue, Melissa?”, he asked. That awkward moment when they ask you what’s wrong and you get a knot in your throat. I was looking at him and screaming but the words were not flowing out of my mouth. I felt like I was in a crowded room screaming and no one hears a thing. (Thanks Katy Perry) All I could say was that I was O.K. I was clearly lying. I’m not o.k. but sometimes it’s ok not to be, right!? Does that make any sense? Regardless of how I was feeling, my dear friend manages to make me smile and forget about it all and for that I am truly grateful. blah blah blah
I’m just scared to death that things will change. (only one person will understand.)
Enough babble for today… I’m not so good at sharing my personal life. I hope you didn’t have to hit snooze while reading this.. HA!
Until next time… Peace & Love.