I’m back, where do I begin now?

It’s been six months since my last posting.  Where do I even begin? ::sigh:: The dust bunnies have had their fun long enough, it’s now time to clean house.

I’m not going to bore you with all the details (for now) of everything that has happened during these months but the one thing I can share with great happiness is that I am expecting my first child. 🙂 There are no words to describe my feelings.  We are beyond overjoyed. Can you believe it, six months and counting…  #pregnantandhappy

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In the meantime, I am looking forward to catching up with all the freshly pressed blogs and see what people are saying these days.  I feel so lost to be honest, but I will definitely pace myself and try to get back into the grove of things.  Wish me luck!

Until next time.. Ciao

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Sad day.

My thoughts and prayers are with ALL in Boston today. Another senseless act of terror was committed and it’s heart breaking.  When will we be able to come together as one and be at peace? I fear for my niece, nephews, god child, and the children of my loved ones and friends.  They are growing up in a world full of anger and hate.  Why, why why!?  I fear of what’s to come if things don’t change.

I pray for a world full of love and laughter.

I pray for a world with no judgements.

I pray for a world with no hate.

I pray for a world where you are accepted regardless of color or race.

I pray for a world where we ALL can get along.

I shall not live in fear thinking about these senseless acts of terror nor should anyone else.  Live your life to the fullest.  Be kind to everyone you meet.  Be less judging and more accepting.  Don’t hate. Fill your heart with love. Forgive and forget. Life is too short.

It’s a sad day…

My prayers are with all in Boston.

Heart broken…

It been months since I publish anything but every so often I get inspired to write a few words but then save it in my draft folder.  It gets locked away in the vault of feelings and emotions that were felt but never spilled.

On March 24th, 2013 at 4:53pm I wrote the following:

It’s been a tough day to say to the least. I feel like my heart shattered into a million pieces. As I sat there and listened to what he was saying, I could not believe my ears. With every word uttered, a piece of my heart broke off, by the end of the conversation I was left feeling empty. It’s sad when you hear things about your life from a third-party.  I know I shouldn’t believe everything I hear but the person who told me has nothing to gain by lying to me and I know the source.  It’s not the first time I hear those things, it just hurts more every time.

It breaks my heart just re-reading my words.  I guess you don’t need water to feel like you’re drowning.  Something to think about…

What do you fear?

I’ve never really thought about my fears. Who does? I’ve always figured I would comfort them head on when the time came.  Today, I’m having an internal battle with my emotions about the one thing I fear the most. My heart. Perhaps, I should have been listening.

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Fear, what is fear!?  It’s simply a natural human emotion programmed in all of us as an instinct to potential danger.   Is my heart in danger of breaking?  What’s wrong with me!?

I’ve decided that all I can do is ride this wave of emotions and see where it takes me.  I can’t help but over think every little detail and knowing that over thinking causes only negative thoughts I’m upset at myself.  Why am I allowing the demons in my head to fill will me with fear?  I guess, I just have to trust that everything will work out for the best and if it’s meant to be it will be.  There is nothing more I can say because sometimes words are not enough.

Another draft just sitting in the vault of lost emotions: February 15, 2013 at 2:10pm.

QUIET!

How do you write about something without revealing or saying too much? Is that even possible!? Yes, no, maybe!? Hello, anyone? Out of respect, I have chosen to stay mum hence turning my noise into silence.  I’m not good at keeping quiet when I want to express my thoughts, feelings and opinions. Has this happen to you? What do you do?

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It’s not easy if you ask me (biting my tongue), perhaps that’s the reason some people don’t talk to me; out of fear that I will write about their issues. Why not? You are not alone, everyone has or is going through the same and/or similar struggle, I’m just the voice who wants to share her opinion. Maybe later I will write about it but for now…

Knowing what I know, I will not betray my friends wishes.  In this case, silence is golden.

Until later…

Peace & Love xoxo

Mixed emotions

I was scrolling through my drafts and found a rant that I never published. As I read it, it brought back those mixed emotions.  Here, then, it was I wrote several weeks ago… 😦

Today’s rant is filled with mixed emotions.  Despite the lack of sleep, I actually woke up with a pep in my step.  I was looking forward to a very productive day but then something happened.  It’s quite amazing how the mind works.  One moment you’re fine and the next you’re not.  In an instant my head was flooded with these thoughts.

  • I wish I could rewind time and change a few things.
  • It’s a sad world when you can’t post a picture of you and your spouse having a good time without being judged and criticized.
  • That moment when you realize that you really don’t matter – you are there only for one reason.
  • Those moments of impact that hit you when you least expect it.
  • That moment when you’re not angry anymore just disappointed in the ones you love.
  • Why can’t people mind their own business?
  • Why do people talk shit only to stay in the same situation?
  • I wonder if I were gone, who would truly miss me.

As I sit here and look over what I just wrote, I can’t help but wonder why. I read my thoughts out loud and answered them but there is something missing. I’m not the fill the glass type of woman. I say what I feel when I have too. Has this ever happened to you?

Wowsers, did I actually write that? It’s quite amazing that in an instant you can think of so many things and be completely lost in them.  I’m trying to remember what happened that day that I went from being happy to sad in a matter of seconds.  Perhaps it was a conversation I was having with a good friend.  He never seems to surprise me with the things he does and says.  I’m only assuming, I honestly don’t remember but after reading my words out loud I think I have a pretty good idea.  No need to re-hash old feelings, it is what it is.  Life goes on and you live and learn.

Does this ever happen to you?

Until later..

Peace & Love xox

Sometimes I wish I didn’t feel anything….

Have you ever had one of those moments when you wish you didn’t feel anything at all?  I know it’s an awful thought but that’s exactly how I felt last night.  I think I was browsing my FB news feed when all of a sudden I felt sad and empty. Perhaps it was something I read or saw but it affected me.  At that very moment, I wished I didn’t feel anything at all.  So many thoughts flooded my mind… the past, present, and future.

There are moments in life, when the heart is so full of emotion That if by chance it be shaken, or into its depths like a pebble Drops some careless word, it overflows, and its secret, Spilt on the ground like water, can never be gathered together.

Although I wished it, I can’t imagine my life not being able to feel anything. Can you?  People think because I’m a tough cookie and strong-willed that I don’t hurt inside.  When people hurt you one too many times, the walls are built six feet tall and made of cement.

Guess what people, Melissa, does hurt inside. I know too well, the feelings of disappointment.  Feelings of rejection. Feelings of betrayal. Feelings of hurt. Feelings of emptiness. Feelings of crying my eyes out for hours.  I feel every emotion, I just show it differently that’s all.

How would life be if we didn’t feel anything? It would definitely be lifeless.  We would all look like zombies with blank expressions on our faces.  Our emotions define us.  Some people are more expressive and emotional, and others just have walls built but they are still gentle creatures on the inside.

It’s these moments that make you take a step back and look at the whole picture. 

Until later…

Peace & Love xox

Feelings of disgust…

It’s a sad day when I feel completely disgusted with myself.  You see, I haven’t been feeling good lately.  I’m tired and sluggish in complete blah mode internally.  At first, I thought it was lack of vitamins — I started taking a multi vitamin but continued to feel the same way.  Then it hit me like a tons of bricks.  I stepped on a scale for the first time in weeks and I cried (literally).  I could not believe that I had left myself go.  I had surpassed my limit and this was the reason I was feeling tired and sluggish.   Those late night dinners, desserts and cocktails have finally caught up too me.  #nothappy

Dare to soar – how successful you are is determined by your attitude.

I am disappointed and disgusted in myself which is not a good combo of emotions to have.  Two years ago I lost a significant amount of weight (for me) and I vowed that I was never going to gain it back.  I haven’t gained all the weight back, thank goodness but just enough to make me sick to my stomach.  There is no one to blame except for myself.  You want to know what the saddest part is, I never saw myself with thin eyes when I was at my thinnest, I always saw myself large. (Big Girl mentality.)  For those who know me, you might think I’m insane but that’s how I feel.

Getting back on track and back to my old routine will be difficult but not impossible.  I will strive for progress, not perfection! I’m setting new goals for myself.  Keyword:ME

Failure is only a fact when you give up. Everyone gets knocked down, the question is: Will you get back up?

Didn’t mean to bore you with my thoughts but I needed to vent and what better way than to write.  This is my reminder!

Despite it all, I love myself the way I am. #truth.

Note to self: Keep Calm, these feelings too shall pass. 😉

Peace & Love xox