Finding the right words…

I’m finding it exceptionally hard to find the right words to express what’s in my head now.   Does this ever happen to you?  You’re thinking one thing but typing out another.    Words.  They are very powerful.  As I’ve said many times over, I’m opinionated and very out spoken and will not hold back but today I find myself struggling to find the right words — if that makes sense.   I don’t want to say too much in fear of hurting someone’s feelings but at the same time I want to scream it to the world.  I am annoyed and disappointed.  I constantly hear the same bullshit but nothing ever changes.  I know the entire situation but it still makes me sick to my stomach.  Perhaps I just care too much at times.  I will leave my thoughts at that… I don’t want to have a foot in mouth moment. – HA!

What do words mean to you? 

Words are some of the most powerful and important things I know.  It’s the tool of love and the weapon of hatred.   Words can heal and leave a scar.  We speak them, we sing them, we give them meaning.  It makes you wonder why sometimes it’s hard to say anything at all.  Use your words too communicate but never substitute them for your actions because ACTIONS always speaks louder!!

Words mean more than what is set down on paper. It takes the human voice to infuse them with shades of deeper meaning.

Peace & Love xox

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I feel good…la la la

I woke up with a pep in my step this morning and I’m feeling great!  I absolutely love days like these.  I think I’m going to put the lap top away, pack a cooler, grab a good book and head outdoors.  It’s simply a beautiful day!

“….there are times when we stop.  We sit still… We listen and breezes from a whole other world begin to whisper. “

What will you be doing today?

Peace & Love xoxo

Understanding…

I can’t stress enough how important it is to be clear when explaining your point of view to someone.   If you’re clear the first time then you can avoid the headache of explaining yourself several times. Remember: Everyone is entitled to their own opinion and you can’t force anyone to agree with yours. Just listen and be objective. #truth

Today, I discussed with a dear friend something he said that didn’t make any sense.  I was bothered and annoyed to be honest.  It wasn’t anything to cry about but it just didn’t feel right.   That one comment led me to question a million other things, if that makes any sense.  😉  Well to make a long story short, we finally spoke about it and once he explained it, I completely understood his point of view.  When I explained my point of view, he was also in agreeance.  It was just a simple misunderstanding.  My situation worked out because I chose to speak up.  I’m not afraid of my feelings and whatever I have to say, I will say it.

How many people do you know that are stubborn and will not address an issue because they have already made up their minds? 

Get over it!  You need to speak up and voice your concern.  Think about the scenario and put yourself in the others place.  Now, how do you view things?  I’m certain you see it completely different, right!?  Learn how to listen and always remember that communication is Key.

“Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain but it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving.”

Peace and Love xox

B.I.T.C.H.

If you are a woman, you have been called a bitch on one or more occasion.   Did you get insulted or embrace it?  

I embrace the title and this is what it means to me…

  • I speak my mind.
  • I think my own thoughts.
  • I live my life the way I want.
  • I stand up for myself
  • I refuse to be stepped on.
  • I am strong and courageous.
  • I have the attitude.
  • I believe in myself.

I’m also…

  • B – beautiful
  • I – intelligent
  • T – talkative
  • C – charming
  • H – honest

If all these things make me a bitch, then so be it.  I embrace the title and I’m proud of it.

Ladies if you ever get called a bitch, think of all your qualities that make you unique and embrace it!

“It is better to be hated for what you are then to be loved for what you are not.”

Peace and Love xoxo

A moment of Clarity…

After reading an email this morning, I had a moment of clarity.  It was now clear to me that I had misread an entire situation.   I’ve learned that I can’t make any assumptions based on what I’m feeling at the moment even if  I think the person is on the same page.   How would I know? How could I tell?  These are questions that I’ve asked myself and the answer is clear, I don’t know.  I don’t have the ability to read minds so how would I have known I was an innocent by standard caught in the crossfire of someone’s discovery.  It is remarkable when you think about it.  You never know what a person is struggling with internally.  At the end, you can’t expect people to walk around wearing their emotions on their sleeves.

Moments of clarity happen at any given time.  You could be having  a random conversation with a stranger and in a second you have an epiphany.  It doesn’t matter where you are or what you’re doing, these moments do happen.  Embrace them!

A special thanks to my friend who finally made it clear for me to understand.

Clarity of mind means clarity of passion, too; this is why a great and clear mind loves ardently and sees distinctly what he loves.”

Until later..  Peace & Love xoxo

The desire of knowing…

Have you ever met someone who completely intrigued you?  Someone that you just wanted to get to know better on an intellectual level?  Well, I met that someone a few months ago.  There was just something about him.  Perhaps it was his view on life and his ability to read people {so he says} that made him more interesting.  I’m not going to lie, I was definitely curious.  I wanted to pick his brain.

There’s an old proverb that goes, “Curiosity kills the cat.”  So, I’ve been told… Well, there is nothing wrong with having the desire to know.   It’s a natural instinct in all of us.   When you meet a person for the first time, you have to get to know them first before you can consider them a friend, right!?   Your desire of knowing takes you down a path full of questions that once answered you will then determine the outcome.

A week ago, I had the pleasure of hanging out with him.  Here, then, is what I learned.

  • His words speak louder than his actions.
  • Nothing is as it seems.
  • Completely misleading.

During the course of our conversation, we tackled many subjects. Some interesting, and others not so much.   At one point, I asked him if he had read any of my blogs.  He didn’t know I had one and I gave him some brief details and the reason why I started it.  He then said, “This is the most interesting thing you’ve said so far.”  At first, I just laughed and continued ranting on about whatever  I was talking about but now that it dawns on me. “WOW, I’m the asshole”. – HA!  {I’m still laughing…} 😉 😉   It’s simply remarkable the people you come across these days.  No hard feelings!

I can honestly tell you, I don’t regret meeting my new friend.  I learned a few valuable lessons and for that I’m thankful. 😉

“Most of us don’t need a psychiatric therapist as much as a friend to be silly with.”

Peace & Love xox

Keeping in touch…

Life moves at a rapid pace and even between families you can lose touch for years.  Today, I spent the day catching up my with cousin.  It has been over ten plus years since we catch up. Can you imagine?  It does happen believe it or not.

Before life got complicated we use to spend the weekends playing monopoly, watching movies, just having some good ol’ family fun.  Then marriage, kids and other life events happened and we lost touch.

Now, many years later we find each other sitting across one another laughing and reminiscing about the good times we use to have. It was a lovely day!  Even though technology keeps us connected, there is nothing like spending quality time with family face-to-face.

  

“Family like branches on a tree, we all grow in different directions yet our roots remain as one.”

Peace and Love xox

AMOR {LOVE} – Chapter IV

John screams, “Are you serious Samantha?”  She doesn’t look at him and continues walking.  John then grabs her from behind.  “Let go of me, John.  I’m serious, I have to go!  Charlie is waiting.”, she says.   John then says, “So, the douche bag has a name.  Is C-H-A-R-L-I-E {sarcastic tone} making you move to New York?  I’m going to find out who he is Samantha, mark my words.  This isn’t over.”   Samantha just laughed, “There you go with your threats again.  Get over it!  We are done! Bye-Bye!”

Samantha gets home to find her calling service full of messages and mailbox full.  She yells, “Dammit John! ,Why can’t you just let me go.” Then slams the phone against the table.  {talking to herself} “I can’t deal with this anymore.  I feel like I’m going to have a breakdown. {starts crying}  Please God, give me the strength I need to handle this.  I’m torn!”

A few hours later, there is a knock at the door.  Samantha is startled because no one is allowed in the building unless she is called.  Her heart is now in her throat.  The only thing that is running through her mind that it could be John.  With knees shaking, she walks to door, and says “Who is it?” She is looking through the peep-hole but something is blocking her view.  Now she is more scared.  She hears a deep voice say “Delivery for Samantha Fox.”   She thinks ‘delivery’  I didn’t order anything. So, she sucked in her fear and said “Be right there, give me a second.”  She took a deep breath and slowly opened the door.  When she opened, all she could see what a bouquet of orchids {her favorite} and standing with them in hand was Charlie.  “CHARLIE, it’s you, baby – You scared me to death.  How did you come in?”  Charlie gave her that look like saying ‘baby, it’s me you’re talking too.’   Samantha just smiled and hugged her man tight.  “Thank you baby, I love my flowers.” she whispers in his ear.

You see, Charlie was a man who never took ‘NO’ for an answer and was always very persuasive.  He gets what he wants. 

They decided to stay in and order dinner.  They now have to talk logistics.  Remember that Charlie is leaving to New York in a few days.  While waiting for dinner to arrive, Charlie looks over at her and says “Samantha baby, I’m leaving to New York in a week.  What are your plans?”  Sam says “I haven’t really thought about it. You just told me, remember.  I have to take care of things here first.  It may take a few weeks. First, I need to resign from my position.  Close up my apartment, cancel all my services, hire moving company, pack, etc etc.  Well, babe all the small details. — I will be there soon.  No worries, we will figure this out.”  Charlie just nods and says “Yes, I can’t wait.”

The next morning Samantha get up puts on her power suit and heads to the office.  All she could think about was the pile of paperwork on her desk and having to tell the partners that she is moving to New York.  She stops at her usual coffee place, picks up breakfast and heads into the office.  It was no surprise when she walked in and found her desk full of files with notes on it.  “What the hell.”. she whispers.  She took a deep breath and started her day.  A few hours later, she realizes that she hasn’t spoken to Charlie.  She looks for her cell phone and as usual it’s buried in her bag.  She digs it out to find several missed calls.  She calls Charlie.  “Hi babes, how’s it going?, Sorry I haven’t called you, it’s been a long morning.  You can imagine.”  Charlie just says he understands but tells her not to worry that everything is going to turn out fine.

Now it was time to face the partners.  Without any hesitation, she walks into the partners office and hands them her letter of resignation.  While one partner is reading the letter the other two are just looking at Samantha with a blank stare.  Once they all read the letter, they give Samantha a surprise look.  She briefly explained and the partners wished her well.

When she drafted the original letter she was going to leave the same day but then had a change of heart and decided to stay an additional week to make sure nothing was left unfinished.  Samantha wasn’t a half ass type of worker.  She always gave 100% not only at work but at everything.

The days quickly turned into nights and Samantha’s to-do list wasn’t getting any shorter.  Despite the sleepless nights, things were not moving as fast as she hoped.  Charlie was already in New York and she was in still L.A. finalizing everything.  In the middle of all the craziness, she was still dealing with John’s erratic behavior and threatening calls.  She was about to have a  total and complete meltdown.

Her daily calls with Charlie helped her keep calm and stay focused on the big picture.   It’s the way he makes her smile.  He finds humor in the darkest of days and is her rock.

The last day of work was bitter-sweet. Samantha packed up the last of her things and was about to start her ‘good-bye’ rounds, when her partners called her into the conference room.  “SURPRISE”, everyone yelled.  Samantha was overcome with joy and could not hold back her tears.  “Thank you so much.  This means the world to me and I will never forget you.”, she told them.  Everyone wished her farewell and many blessings on her new adventure.  It was time to say good-bye.  After many hugs and kisses later, Samantha was now walking out of office and could not help but smile as she stopped, looked behind her and said “No regrets, too new adventures.”

When Samantha got home, she glanced at her to-do list and realized that the only thing she had to do was buy her airline ticket.  “That’s it?” , she says.  She was in shock that she managed to do it all in such a short amount of time.  She thinks, “What’s the rush? Now, I’m going to take another few days to relax, unwind, go to the spa, and get my hair done. I can’t go to New York looking like a hot mess.”  Later that night, she calls Charlie and tells him that she was done with everything but she was going to stay another week just to relax and unwind.  Charlie wasn’t pleased and told her that he needed her there now.  Samantha completely ignored him.

Day 1.  SPA DAY – V.I.P Treatment  {Gift from the Firm}

Day 2.  RELAX – RELAX – RELAX

Day 3.  FAREWELL DINNER WITH GIRLS

Day 4.  SHOPPING

Day 5.  HAIR, NAILS, LASHES

Day 6.  OPEN LAP TOP – Look for Flights – BUY ONE WAY TICKET

Day 7.  RELAX – RELAX – RELAX

Day 8.  Packing the last few things.

Day 9.  RELAX – RELAX – RELAX

Day 10. FAREWELL L.A.

What should have been just a few days turned into ten days and Charlie was beginning to worry.  He called Samantha daily and expressed his concerns.  “Babe, please, when are you coming? What’s going on?  I’m worried.”  Samantha always said the same thing, “Charlie, my love, everything is fine.  I will be there soon.  I love you.”  – Those words were not soothing to Charlie at all.

During her days of relaxation she thought about John.  Ten years was not easy to forget but she no longer loved him the way she once did.  She debated whether to call him and say good-bye but her gut told her it would be a bad idea.   She listened to her gut and never called him but little did she know that John was up too no good.

John quit flying planes but didn’t close his business.  He was now planning and scheming revenge against Samantha.  He always said. “If it’s not me, it’s no one.” He had been following her and watching her every move since the day after she left him.  He was now OBSESSED….

Samantha was at the airport ready to board when she felt like she was being watched, she quickly turns and sees no one. She brushed it off and boarded. “Good-bye L.A.”, she whispered.

John was watching from a distance…

AMOR {LOVE} – Chapter III

Samantha then says, “Charlie – What do you mean New York? What about us and our relationship?” Charlie gazes into her eyes {wiping her tears} — “Samantha, Samantha my love, I love you more than words can describe.  When I met you, I became alive. You’ve made me realize my true potential and without you all this could not be possible.  That’s why, I’m asking you to come with me to start a new life and adventure together.  Life without you would not only be unbearable but imaginable.  I love you too much.”

Samantha climbed into his lap and looked deeply into his eyes.  She said, “Yes, Yes, Yes, I will go with you my love.”.   Charlie gives Samantha a deep kiss holding her tight, her slight moans are making him squeeze tighter, their bodies pressed together in warm embrace. They break kiss, he sweeps her up and takes her into the bedroom.  As their eyes meet, he can see the sparkle in her eyes as she smiles at him. “You are perfect”, Charlie whispers.  He starts to slowly peel off her clothes gazing and touching her soft luscious curves. Her scent, her touch – he is completely aroused, As he leans in to kiss her neck and breasts x-x Samantha grabs him closer she wants to feel his warmth against her skin. Their hearts are beating as one. “Oh baby”, Samantha whispers.  “I want you, I need you.”  She slides on top of him gently caressing him. She starts kissing his chest and works her way down – she teases him with licks and nibbles. She loves to the way he taste. He can’t take it anymore – he grabs her, rolls her over and pushes deep inside — thrusting, faster and slower until fire works of explosion collide. They gaze at each other and whisper “I love you.”

After a few hours of simply being as one, and enjoying the warmth of their bodies Samantha looks at Charlie and says “Baby, remember what I wanted to you tell you?”  Charlie nods.  “Well… I told John It was over, because I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Everything makes sense when I’m with you. My heart is set on you.”  Charlie smiled, hugged Samantha tight and gave her deep kiss.  Samantha was now throbbing and aching for more – The rest is history.

The next morning, Samantha wakes up to breakfast in bed.  Charlie is simply amazing.  She is all smiles. Once she’s done eating and giving Charlie a million and one kisses she says “Where is my cell phone?”  All she could think about was how many missed calls and texts she probably had from John.  She got out of bed to find her phone dead.  Charlie grabs the phone and puts it to charge. “Let’s go back to bed”, he says.  Samantha agrees and they go back to bed but Samantha is restless and can’t fall back asleep, all she could do is think about those messages from John.  She was concerned. Did he really threaten her?

An hour later, her phone is beeping and chiming.  “It must be fully charged”, she says.  She jumps out of bed, gets her phone and to her surprise she had 25 voice mails, 100 text messages and all from John.  She felt a knot in her throat and she couldn’t breathe.  She was shaking.  She left the bedroom and went into the office to hear the messages and read the text.  Charlie was asleep and didn’t want to wake him.

She sits down – looks at her phone – dials 1 – You have 25 voice mails, your mailbox is now full.  Press 1 to hear message.  Samantha hesitates at first but presses one and this is what she heard:

Samantha, you fucking whore.  You cheated on me.  I hate you.  No – I’m sorry I love you. Please come home.

Sammy, please come home.  I need you, I don’t want to lose you.

Sam, where the hell are you?  Are you with that douche bag? I swear when I find out…

SAMANTHA – PLEASE COME HOME.  I LOVE YOU.  I FORGIVE YOU.

Sammy my love – why aren’t you returning any of my calls? I swear if you don’t call me, I’m going to…{phone hangs up.}

SAMANTHA – NOW IM PISSED OFF.  FIRST YOU CHEAT ON ME, AND WAIT TO TELL ME A FEW YEARS LATER.  YOU’RE A FUCKING BITCH.  WHY? WHY?  S-A-M-A-N-T-H-A.

Sam, I’m sorry you must think I’m crazy, I’m crazy about you.  I’m just hurt. Please come home. I love you so much.

Message after message was the same thing and the text were no different.

“Why can’t John just let me go?”, she says to herself.  As she sat there contemplating what to do, Charlie walks into the room.  “What’s wrong, baby?” he says.  Samantha just hands him the phone.  He stares at the screen, looks at Samantha and says “John is crazy! Don’t worry baby, he will have to go through me to get to you.  I’ll protect you my love.”   Samantha kisses Charlie and tells him that she needs to go confront John and pack her stuff.

The apartment that John and Samantha shared belongs to John but Samantha had her own place.  John was always upset that she didn’t sell it and move in with him.   Although she spent most of her time there, she wasn’t going to sell her place of sanction – her escape.

Charlie doesn’t want her to go alone and proceeds to follow her, but she stops him and says “Babe, don’t worry, this is something I need to do alone. I will call you if anything.  I’ll be back soon.  I love you.”

Samantha finally leaves the house and finds the courage to call John.  The phone rings and John immediately picks up. “Samantha baby, are you ok? Where are you? I’ve been worried sick.  Please come home.”  Samantha wants to hang up then says “Ge’ez John, catch your breath I’m fine.  I’m on the way to gather my things.  We’ll talk when I get there.”   Her heart is racing and she feels sick to her stomach.  John on the other hand, is trying to pick up the house after he nearly destroyed it in his rage.  He thinks to himself. “I don’t want her to think I’m crazy, now.”

Samantha pulls into her parking space, her knees are trembling.  She doesn’t know what to expect, still feeling antsy and nausea.  She looks in the mirror and tells herself, “You are a strong woman, Samantha.  Chin up, it’s your time.”

What should have taken ten steps to get to the door feels more like a hundred, she could feel her body going in slow motion.  So many thoughts are flooding her head.  She arrives at the door, takes a deep breath, inserts the key and turns the knob.  She didn’t know what to expect.  All of a sudden the door flings open while she is still holding the knob.  She screams, “John, wait a second.”    Samantha proceeds inside and John just grabs and hugs her.  “Hey John, Please let go of me.  I’m here to talk and gather my things.”   John didn’t want to let go.  His hug lingered and felt like an eternity until Samantha broke free from his grasp.  “Stop it, John.  Please let’s not make this more difficult than it has to be.  I know I’ve hurt you and for that I’m truly sorry.  I just want to get my things and be on my way.”

Samantha goes to the room to get some things and then notices a pile of broken glass in the corner.  “John, what happen there?”, she said.   She continued to look around and saw no frames and more broken pieces of glass everywhere.  “John, did you break all the frames and pictures? Are you fucking nuts?  Why? Why? Why would you…?  You know what, never mind John, you wouldn’t understand”, she snares back.

She could feel her blood boiling and wanted to scream but she kept her composure and just took another deep breath.  She could hear John rambling on in the living room about how much he loved her and that he was going to fight for her.. blah blah blah.   She couldn’t take it anymore, she decides to get the rest of her stuff another day.  Preferably when John isn’t around.

As she is walking out the bedroom, John corners her.  “John, please get out of  my way.  I’ll come back for the rest of my stuff later.”

John falls to his knees and says “Samantha, please don’t leave me.  I can’t imagine my life without you. Why are you doing this?  I thought we were happy”   Samantha could feel her chest tightening and wanted to cry but she sucked it up and pulled up John from the floor.  Looking into his eyes she says, “John, I know it hurts now but you will get over me, I promise.  You will always hold a special place in my heart.  I’m sorry.”  She runs out because she could feel the tears streaming down her cheeks.

When she gets to the car, she realizes that she didn’t have her keys. “Damn it.”, she yells.  She wipes her tears, walks back upstairs and knocks on the door.

John opens without saying a word, she walks in, grabs her purse and keys and starts to walk out stops then turned to John and said “I’m moving to New York.”

To be continued…

Peace & Love xox